How to start living for yourself

11:45 AM fulfillment , getting started , growth , independence , loving yourself , motivation , self 2 Comments

When was the last time you found yourself half-heartedly accepting an invitation to an event that you felt at best lukewarm about?  What about the last time you looked around the room thinking “I could be reading that book I just bought, or working on my new project, or really just doing anything more satisfying than being here?” We are social creatures that rely on human interaction for both work and pleasure. However, it is all too easy to succumb to social forces and comforts that prevent us from seeking meaningful experiences that nurture our true selves. When it comes to personal fulfillment, we need to break the habit of engaging in experiences driven by external factors and redirect our energies towards purposeful living.

Psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan developed the Self Determination Theory, a theory of motivation which suggests that people tend to be driven by a need to grow and gain fulfillment. One of the underlying principles within is the Goal Contents Theory, which posits that intrinsic motivations- goals that revolve around personal growth, building community, and personal relationships, satisfy our basic psychological needs and improve our well-being. Intrinsically motivated goals are usually enjoyable, challenging, and fulfilling. They often involve experiences in which we acquire new skills or knowledge, nurture close relationships, and exercise our independence. On the flip side, goals motivated by extrinsic factors, (such as money, status, social pressure, the need to please others), significantly impair our well-being. The satisfaction derived from these behaviors is transient, because these experiences impede our personal growth.

If fulfillment is what we seek, we must learn to discern and avoid the myriad trappings of externally-driven living. Pursuing experiences that reflect your true self is paramount to living a life that matters. The path to fulfillment is a lifelong endeavor. However, here is an exercise you can use to shift gears towards living for yourself:

Homework: Make a “Yes” and “No” List

“Yes” List: Spend some time to distill the types of experiences you want in order to build upon your true self. This can be translated into a list of activities, pursuits, and people that provide meaning to your life. What about finally creating a performance for that Open-mic night that you’ve been pondering? Or taking that wilderness survival class that piqued your curiosity?  Evaluate your usual activities. Be honest and aware of your state of being with each activity. How much do you actually enjoy your usual engagements and being around your usual social sphere. Take mental (or physical) note of the activities and people who stimulate you. Notice what incites energy and single-minded focus from you. It’s helpful to remember that any valuable experience requires higher engagement. Make sure that your “Yes” list only includes existing and new value-adds.