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How to make someone feel better
When a friend, coworker, or acquaintance is feeling down, sometimes we don’t know what to say. Other times our own aversion to seeing them in pain leads us to try to ‘fix it’ by saying meaningless phrases or unhelpful solutions. Oftentimes, this can cause them to feel even worse. Vulnerability researcher Dr. Brene Brown says, “Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection." So what are the words and phrases that build connection?
Connections are built by empathy - the ability to understand and feel what the other person is feeling. It is the ability to 'be in their shoes'. By trying to ‘fix it’ or cheer them up, they may feel that their feelings are being ignored or invalidated. Instead of stepping into their shoes, you have stepped away. By showing that you understand what they are feeling, the other person feels their feelings being validated and they can find comfort in you just being there.
To practice empathy, it is useful to both receive as well as to give. Receiving empathy not only allows you to understand how good it feels to be heard and accepted but also allows you to acknowledge and understand the strength and courage needed to be vulnerable to another person. Giving empathy involves providing a safe and supportive environment so that the other person feels comfortable being vulnerable. Once that environment is there, you need to be able to tap into your past experiences and share the part of you that has felt what they are feeling so that they feel that you understand. It can be difficult and uncomfortable but is a skill that can be strengthened with practice.
Homework: Practice saying connection building phrases
The next time you want to make someone feel better, try a connection building phrase and avoid a distancing one.
Connection building phrases:
I don’t know what to say but I’m glad you told me
I’ve been there
You’re not alone
Tell me more
Me too
Distancing phrases:
C’mon, Cheer up
It’s not that bad
At least, this other thing didn’t happen
Tell us how you’ve practiced empathy:
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