How to balance intimacy and independence

11:22 PM balance , independence , intimacy , love , relationships 2 Comments

It’s strange, but intimacy -- the feeling of warm closeness towards your partner -- can be followed by feelings of fear, disconnect, and “needing space”. Arthur Schopenhauer, the 19th century pessimistic philosopher, offered his Porcupine Theory of human relationships to explain this emotional phenomenon. He argued that emotionally, human beings are like porcupines on a cold winter’s night. The quilled creatures come close together for warmth and connection, but when they get too close, they inevitably prick each other with their spines. This is painful, so they retreat. Then they want to feel close again, move closer, and so the cycle continues.

The philosopher did not really have a solution for this, but did suggest that those who learned to generate their own warmth could avoid impaling themselves upon other people. In modern parlance, the moment of getting pricked by another person due to getting too close could fall under the umbrella of co-dependency; among other attributes, this involves relying on others’ feedback to cobble together a sense of self.

The Porcupine Theory, when it plays itself out in our lives, can be difficult to understand. Why does closeness inspire fear in us? One possible explanation is that closeness to another person often arises from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, unguarded. In our memories, there are likely multiple episodes in which that act of courage resulted in emotional pain. Thus, the brain can connect this cause and effect and manufacture an unconscious belief that opening up and getting close to someone can end in sorrow.

A great way to cultivate a positive attitude towards vulnerability is by simply spending quality time with yourself on a regular basis. Carving out me-time is key to building a great relationship with yourself.  Investing in that primary relationship pays dividends because it is the basis for a healthy relationship with loved ones.

Homework: Take yourself out on a me-date this week

First, design a “me-date”. Is there a hobby or skill you’ve been meaning to learn? A new restaurant you want to try? That book your friend has been talking about? Treat yourself to a new experience or setting, such as a poetry reading, a craft workshop, or museum exhibition. It may help to think about yourself in the third person: what kind of day would you design for yourself if you were someone else?

On the me-date, try to take neutral, non-judgmental note of moods, thought patterns, quirks, or habits you have that you never noticed or appreciated before. Were there any pleasing or surprising moments?

Tell us about your me-date in the comments below!